A few months ago, I came to a personal conclusion that while there is something that created us and the laws of the universe, who or what this being is, I don’t know. What I do know, from my own limited experience, is that the world is neutral. You want to love somebody? The world isn’t going to stop you. You want to hit someone? The world isn’t going to stop you from that either. Whatever you do, you do. The world is neutral. Everything that comes afterward is man’s law, based on God’s law. But as to what you do, the world is… well…. neutral.
I say that as someone who has actively searched for an answer. I truly wanted to believe in a Higher Power looking out for us. The conclusion I came to was disappointing, because it meant that I had to separate the layers that had been connecting me to the idea of God for all these years. When there was a problem and I instinctively talked to God, I stopped and reminded myself that He’s not there. In the initial moments, I was left with myself. When I believed in God I would cry and be disappointed. Now I was just disappointed. The one time I cried in the past few months, it was to myself, not to God. It felt, somehow, peaceful. It also felt honest, because I didn’t have to bang my head against a wall (metaphorically speaking) trying to get someone’s attention. The silence, the lack of empathy, that was the universe. (Aren’t we surrounded by silent space?) If that is God, then here we are, left with ourselves and the people around us. I wish it were otherwise.
The good thing about a belief in God is that it creates law and order. You can have as toxic spiritual self as you want but do not physically act upon it. That is the saving grace of law and order. The bad side is that people pray to God for things that get fulfilled by people. People start praising and thanking God and not…the actual…people. How about we start calling on people to help each other, instead of kneeling in solitary confinement for God to help? I think God is there, but I think He’s neutral. It’s up to us to help each other out and make this world a better place. And that is the problem with churches. There is so much emphasis placed on worshipping and redemption and not enough on calling on people to just be better people. It’s a shame to me that some of the “best” people I have ever met aren’t Christian. By “best” I mean a person’s heart and character traits. I don’t know if they believe in God. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but I can count them on one hand and they just stand out as great people. Unfortunately, I think too many people get absorbed in the redemption message and stay exactly as they are. For the most part, I can’t tell a Christian from a non-Christian. That’s a problem. What’s worse is when a self-proclaimed Christian can’t see the giant stone in front of their eyes, yet talks to me about peace in Christ. I’ve met a couple of those. That redemption message must feel great, but to what end?
So I’ve been peeling myself from my Judeo-Christian thought processes in terms of talking to God and seeing the world from a Judeo-Christian viewpoint. When something like that comes up I stop and remind myself that He’s not there. I find myself being less disappointed. The neutrality, the absence, has become more familiar to me. I’m not as disappointed as I was initially. I’m saddened, and it hasn’t really gotten to me yet, and I don’t know if it will. But it is what it is. I am trying to see my view of the world as it is, not how I would like it to be.
