I am a social klutz. I look normal, but when I open my mouth, my awkwardness is evident. If I were mentally disabled, people would be forced to have sympathy for me through cultural norms and standards of behavior. But when you look normal and are a bit awkward, you are just not cool to be around. The former is charity. The latter is sadomasochism.
The truth of the matter is that I have layers of insecurity, which comes out as social clumsiness. What’s more painful than this, however, is that hardly anyone ever sees the insecurity. What they see is the clumsiness, and the response is a polite, “I’m not interested.” I reach out for friends, and in my earnestness I repel them. Who wants to be seen in the cafeteria with a klutz? Of course the rejection is not blatant. It’s more like saying “we” should get together but never making time for it or following up. I even had one guy cancel on me several times on the day we were supposed to meet. Gee, maybe I am morphing into a charity case.
This week I felt like I am still in high school trying to fit in. The rest of the world has moved on. I don’t see anybody looking out of place. People have assimilated, or learned how to navigate this world. Me, I’m still awkward and uncouth. Scratch the surface, and there is my social awkwardness feigning social mastery. I pretend that I’m “hip,” but inside I am loathsome to even myself. Why spend time with me when there are so many cooler, more adaptive people in the world, and if you can’t find them in the real world, they’re on television. I used to spend time with people on television, via television of course. Television promotes is coolness. Even the geeky people are cool.
What comes so easy to other people doesn’t come naturally to me. I wish I had that talent. Take my husband, for example. (Hey, you may wonder, how did you snare him? Well, I didn’t, and I gave him multiple chances to break up with me. We almost did a couple times. What keeps us together is a topic for another post.) He views himself as socially shy. But when I hear him on the telephone, or see him interact socially, he’s pretty good at it. He brushes it off when I compliment him on it. I don’t think he knows what it’s like living the way I do, or how it feels. I wish I had better skills in the social arena. I’m sure my life would have been different. As it is, I’m f***. Without social skills, you are f*****, unless you happen to be a wiz at computers or something. Or unless you’re a guy, in which case women have more sympathy for you. But there isn’t much sympathy from women for being socially awkward.
Social awkwardness breeds isolation and loneliness. The more I try, the more socially awkward I am. It’s a vicious cycle. Socially disappearing, i.e. not caring or responding to contact with other people, feels close to dying for me. It’s not sustainable. I’ve tried.
You’re so wrong in thinking that as a man its so much easier to be a social klutz. Women having
Sympathy if only. Most woman look for a leader in a man a provider someone who put himself out there a stable counterpart. Being socially awkward and knowing you are isnt much easier for a man if anything i think its more acceptable for a woman to be shy and a lill awkward then for a man.
Im 6’5 and 220 pounds and socially awkward and when i try to help people wich is in my nature they are easily intimidated or scared it seem to happen all the time. As a woman u dont have that kind of problem unless you re an amazone and even then Women come across far less threatening as a man.
And no socially awkward man with low selfesteem dont get picked by women either. Thinking that women have sympathy is a delusional thought most women dont. Most men dont mind socially awkward women.. Well most men only think with one part of their body.. Woman got a lot more to lose by picking a wrong spouse and tend to be much more picky.
Be glad you have a spouse thats there for you and accepts you as you are. Some don’t have that blessing in their life and have to deal with it alone. You have a friend who you can share things with someone to crawl next to in the cold nights where you doubt yourself and obsess about things. You may not see it like it but thats a friend Too. Hold on to that one and **** the rest. Real friends you can count on one hand.
There’s an expression- the grass is always greener on the other side. It may not be true, of course, but it appears that way. In my defense, there was a survey done asking women if they thought their lives would be “easier” if they were men. The majority answered yes. I don’t know- as a man, do you think your life would be easier or harder if you were a woman? It may not matter. More women have adopted “masculine” roles (like working and sometimes earning more) and men do not have the same dominance because of women’s financial and sexual (through birth control) liberation. I think we are becoming more similar. However, I know plenty of women who want to find a nice man with a job. Those other women, they don’t deserve you if they can’t see you.